Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Pinterest or How I Decided to Have a Ghost-Free Wedding

People keeping asking to see my Pinterest.

It's a question I never got before I was engaged. In fact, I would say I'd never, out loud, discussed my Pinterest account with anyone, ever before a little blue ring adorned my left hand. I do have one, I got one a few years ago and posted a few things and then kind of forgot about it. But once I got engaged my Pinterest became a sort of passport of proof to others that I had in my head an idea of at least, like, what a wedding looked like. Several friends asked to see it and when I went back to my sad, out of date Pinterest account, it soon became clear that other women I knew had already been planning their wedding on Pinterest, women who weren't even engaged, women who weren't even in a serious relationship. I suddenly felt incredibly behind. Once again, I didn't know the wedding rules, didn't know what the hell I was supposed to be doing when, and once again I felt completely overwhelmed by the whole thing and asked Matt how bad it would be to just run off to Vegas, a request which gets a little bit more serious every time I suggest it.

And then, when I booked an appointment to try on a wedding dress (my first wedding dress was purchased online, excitedly, alone, and under the influence of red wine, but sadly it didn't work out due to an unforeseen sequin problem.) the form I had to fill out asked two questions I felt completely unprepared to answer. One: What is your wedding aesthetic? I wrote "I'd like there to be onion rings." (Again with the red wine.) Two: Please link your Pinterest board. I panicked. I had actually created a wedding pinterest board but it only had about four actual things posted on it. The problem is, every time I try to go on Pinterest to find actual wedding ideas, I get distracted with the insane wedding ideas that other people on Pinterest think are good ideas and post them on a different Pinterest board titled "Insane Wedding Ideas People on Pinterest Think are Good Ideas". This is much more fun to me than actual wedding Pinteresting, and as a result I accidentally end up spending all my time doing this and eventually end up no closer to having a real live wedding and confusing bhldn.com greatly about my "wedding aesthetic".

But for you, dear readers, for your pleasure, and because I'm terrible at the actual planning part of planning a wedding (I imagine I'll be just darling at the dancing and listening to speeches and wearing a pretty dress and  drinking champagne part) I would like to share with you the most fun part of Pinteresting: Insane Wedding Ideas People on Pinterest Think are Good Ideas.

1. Photos of Dead People on Chairs


A popular pin I've seen going around is to put photos of your loved ones who have passed in frames on chairs and then place those chairs within the rest of the chairs as if the dead people are attending your wedding. Aside from the obvious creepiness, wedding chairs cost like, 4 dollars a guest (I think, as you might remember, it is impossible to get anyone to reveal the price of chairs). There is no way I'm paying money so relatives who have already died can have a seat at my wedding. They can float up above in the clouds with all the rest of the dead people who feel like attending (Dorothy Parker, Julia Child, I'm looking at you.) Chairs are for living people with butts and forward bending knees. If the dead relatives have a problem with that they can haunt me like normal dead people who don't make ludicrous demands that I save them a front row seat at my nuptials.

2. Gather Your Family in a Heart Shape and Take a Photograph of it From Above


No. I won't. There's an open bar at this wedding there is no time to be arranging human beings into shapes found in a box of Lucky Charms.

3. This Pin with 84 Ways to Use Antlers in Your Rustic Wedding


Who are you, Gaston from Beauty and the Beast? Eighty-four different ways? That's really an impressive amount of ways to use the horns of a probably deceased animal in your wedding. Before I saw this pin I had thought of exactly zero ways antlers would fit into my wedding. Although, I looked through this gallery and like 79 of the ways are to just put antlers on a table, so don't get too excited.

4. Have Your Groom Write a Message on Your Shoe


So you never forget the one to two generic sentences about love you forced him to write on the bottom of your shoe which will likely rub off roughly halfway through your wedding.

5.  This Time-Lapsed Photo of You and Your Husbands Walking Towards Each Other Where You Look Like Ghosts


The entire article this pin references is titled "75 Must-Have Photos With Your Groom". I did not feel the need to have any of them, however this time-lapsed photo was the most ridiculous. It looks like the two people in the photo entered some kind of Casper-esque pact where they turned from ghosts into real people when they shared their first kiss. Unless that is actually what is happening here, in which case, okay fine.

So I'm pretty much still at square one with Pinterest, but what's that saying about old boyfriends? That you learn what you like by eliminating what you don't like? At least I can now be sure my bridal bouquet won't include antlers and my wedding will be a strictly ghost-free zone.

No comments:

Post a Comment