F*ck Burlap

Have you ever imagined what you want adorning the tables at your wedding? Let me guess. It’s rustic. It’s brown. It’s scratchy and loosely woven and it is the same material used to make bags to carry large amounts of potatoes. That’s right: it’s burlap.

Burlap is everywhere in the world of wedding decorations. Burlap table runners. Burlap wraps around centerpieces. Burlap wall hangings. And I just want to say, and please pardon my language, but: fuck burlap. I have no intention of having anything that can also be used to carry children in sack races to the finish line at an elementary school field day in my wedding. Burlap is everything that’s wrong with weddings: it’s ugly, it should be incredibly cheap because it’s an actual packing material, and yet it’s everywhere and it’s super expensive. If you search for “table runners” on Etsy, 80% of what comes up with be burlap. Sometimes it will be straight up strips of burlap that some jerk is trying to sell you because they cut it into a rectangle and sometimes it’s fancy burlap that some jerk has sewed lace onto even though lacy potato bag as a decorating theme makes no sense whatsoever. If it were up to Etsy, entire weddings would just be 100 percent burlap. The bride would walk down the aisle on a burlap carpet. All weddings would be held in old potato packing plants around stacks and stacks of burlap. The guests would just be burlaps sacks with faces painted on them.

In general, “rustic” is the thing in weddings right now and I 100 percent don’t get it. Weddings are supposed to be fancy. You’re suppose to drink champagne and wear a dress for 4 and a half hours that costs more than your rent, not eat food in places where cows live and serve cake on cut up pieces of logs.

Look, I’m mostly joking. There are a million picture on Pinterest of barn weddings that are actually really pretty, but the main problem for me is that unless you happen to know someone who owns a picturesque barn big enough to hold 200 people, it doesn’t cost any less to have your wedding in a literal barn than it does to have your wedding in a fully enclosed, insulated indoor location with flushable toilets. And then there’s insane things like this, which is an actual table made of hay, which in case you've forgotten, is horse food:

If a single piece of hay touches me at my wedding, I’m going home.

Anyway, there will be no burlap at our wedding. Except my custom made burlap wedding dress, which I recently bought on Etsy.